The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.