REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I put the mess in domestic.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.