Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix