The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.