I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
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Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this