Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.