How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce