Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
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My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy