PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
A tragic love story in two pictures.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars