The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t