*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
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January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Why is no one talking about this?!
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My neck my back my allergy attack
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.