Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
yeet
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Cinematography is my passion
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”