*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.