as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?