*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Did my cat write this
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
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My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry