[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.