police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…