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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?