Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
🙂🙃🥹
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.