So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.