The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
You Might Also Like
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.