#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
nice challenge
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”