This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news