We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep