Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
three things we don’t talk about
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.