just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 馃槶馃槶
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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I鈥檓 on the way to a fabulous day.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I鈥檒l never sleep again
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9鈥檚 plate to catch the crumbs so they don鈥檛 go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he鈥檚 faulty and would like a refund
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
馃槀
flight attendant: sir u can鈥檛 bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
michael jordan鈥檚 parents really named him after a shoe
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
No. He鈥檚 not coming out to play
Avoid the horror of watching your children鈥檚 nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I鈥檓 very inconsistent]