It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Selfie
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
This hospital has everything
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.