I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point