My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
You Might Also Like
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Go hard or stay average
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”