[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
True.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
tinder is all about the long game
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad