A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
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My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!