Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Do you like vampires?
đźź© Nosferatu
âś… Yesferatu
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep