News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
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Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone