Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.