Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.