Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally