*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
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Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant