discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…