At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.