Going into Monday like
You Might Also Like
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Everything reminds me of my ex
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.