masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok