Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
You Might Also Like
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
want me to check your oil?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
brian had himself a morning…
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”