Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.