Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
You Might Also Like
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel