*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
i dont have time for this
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.