Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
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me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*