If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!