GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever