Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Sex so good you see dead people.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Guilty! 🤪
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that