Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
not for long
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.